not drown
could say that Babylon is installed in my head right now, but my stomach does not go much better.
I felt so tired of everything, so tired of fighting for something he could not reach, so many changes, which then declines, then judged as if they were some way to play with him, feeling I can not get to meet you, mistake after mistake that time passes and patience running out, if you want give it exclusivity, I do not imply any effort to confine myself to be with him, in fact now the effort would have to fuck with another, open up and tell you things that nobody else knows, things that do not want to remember, just to show how far back I am strongly committed to make this work with us, read your message fuck as may be so, I say what he thinks, but I do not think it cost him both what he says ... Its insistence that I was not behaving normally, angry because I told him I did not see the change, I do not see, or if, maybe, but thought that was what he needed, which to let me go for what I feel, when I do I say you can not continue, we want different things, and when I start to relax, equally angry, because I'm changed.
The detail to add that much regretted having missed the opportunity to fuck is not it really helps to say everything, I mean I reject, I feel like a real jerk to apologize and then tell me is given against the wall to think that he has lost the opportunity to fuck ... that considered by his party.
......................
But as long as it is he who is wrong, I forgive you, as always because they do not even have to say it, because I love him too much to stay angry with him, and forgive him despite the momentum with which he regretted not fucked me, I forgive you, but it was a low blow but his party and I tell Ted that I have things to do and I apologize all afternoon, I will the loft to think that's what I'm doing wrong, how to do things well so that this does not happen again, to avoid letting me carry more than necessary for what I feel, to avoid buying ice cream, chocolates, avoid I tell him as often as I do now, to prevent stroke, and now I want to kiss all the time, take it easy help wishing, reveling in his eyes as he entered, to avoid what he has claimed for years, back to being at least in part, that was before I realized what I feel, before allowing myself to demonstrate openly how I feel about it.
I open a bottle of Beam and pour myself a drink, listening to a CD that was left here, not that excited me, but if I close my eyes I see you in the kitchen, dancing to music while cooking breakfast , looking from time to time between open panels to threaten to lower the pants and laugh. I see him in the bathroom, resting his forehead against the glass while my cadence starts panting from her lips, filling my heart with joy, because I'm only me who gets into your body, is it me you love. And that image brings other memories, her eyes red from New York mourn the first time that we dispense condoms, to feel for the first time, Ely gum, and I know I have to call you, I know I have to talk to him, tell him that bothered me a message and why. So I turn on my laptop, to answer and I find another message from him, and the former New York image is blurred in my memory, and I feel absolute anger flooded my heart when I read that if I fucked someone, asking if he was good, with phone in hand ready to dial the number Britin, I feel like a real asshole for trying to fix things between us, I have the temptation to throw the phone out the window, but instead of doing what I do Anita is to call, with four dollars less and a good assortment shit I feel to see 'East of Eden' and I feel a bit like Cal Trask.
I be angry with him, but I can not because if you doubt me is because I have given reasons for years, it is not used to that I was not restricted to be with him, and although take months, took months to Justin apparently did not mean too much, Indeed, what are a few months compared to five years it took to tell?
....................
and a drink called to the next, and the bottle of Bean is over, and I do not think when I use the first Jack Daniels, and I laugh when I think that this bottle is opened after being here Jenn Justin tell me not to marry me. Now you have two or three more drinks, the rest have flown at those times when instead of going to Babylon I got here, thinking about it, thinking of New York, and if anger ate me by within half an hour ago, now I feel is a void left by his absence, an emptiness that makes me feel like Atlas, not because it is supporting the world, but because his absence almost as much as I regret the .
And I open the messenger, chewing the pain of your question, after testing each and every one of the shit that Anita brought me while I smoke a joint and finish the bottle of Jack Daniels. Today coleccionaré empty bottles, I say to myself and only I laugh at my joke.
And Surprise! There is Justin, I do not know if alcohol or drugs, or pain or anger or just me, that at the bottom I'm still a cabróny shot to give, and you loose a point-blank what I have inside, but at some point in the conversation this has stopped being fun, because when I finished the bottle also Van Winkle of twelve years he had saved for when Justin is here, I'm crying while I wonder how you ever doubt me and though I laugh at your comments, but I can not and I want just kept crying, letting my tears wet the old Justin shirt I wore in a moment of utter weakness. And I know that if he were here I would not be crying, it would be him, face to face because it hurt more easily, because I can lie, but now you need more than anything.
The loft tour around me, and I am baffled the rhythm of my heart, and dizziness gives way to fear, and fear of panic and ask her to come, I tell you I need you, before the dark fall on me.
...........................
And I'm a puppet in his hands as I entered the gum from the mouth, and I am a mere container when the black liquid fills my stomach and I'm just a pincushion when bent to fill my veins with liquid, and Justin is not there to get them away from me. And I call again and again, because I do not understand what is happening. And I fall asleep exhausted to fight. And when I wake up next to me crying and I can not say that I love him, I'm sorry, that no one, I have not fucked anyone could not do it, I do not want to. And I go to sleep and dream him smiling as he walks away from me with Ethan, as he walks me to Los Angeles, as I left to go to New York and I want to scream, but I own my voice nor am my body while I nail over and over again in another body that is not theirs, and I am disgusted by the feeling. And I want to get away, I do not keep this up, and I want to scream and wake up, still here, crying and trying to joke that I will always mourn, while his eyes like to see something else, and not what I see. And I tell him I love him, and not because I think he wants to hear, but because I need to tell you, I need to know.
.............................
He peers into the room every five minutes, my head hurts a lot, my stomach is killing me, but do not tell, still crying, I can hear you when you leave the hall, while downstairs, or just is allowed to slide down the wall to sit on the aisle. Still crying and it's my fault and not having stopped yesterday on time.
... ............
My arms miss you and I say, I feel empty without him in this bed, our bed, now I'm alone, and do not want this to continue so, as I say, and come, I'm sure will come ...
Tomorrow we will have time to talk ...
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